Bottled up Wisdom

My hair + some ATCs.

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 02:15:51 GMT

okay. so I haven't posted in awile. ssooo here's my new hair:

and here are some ACTs

Pictures in my photobucket account that dont get used.

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 06:33:53 GMT

Soo, I'm just going to post old picutres that I have...

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 03:58:25 GMT

What is this? Mercedes, give me something to work off of!

Oh, The Troubles in my LIFE.

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 05:51:23 GMT

So. Today I went out and applied at 5 different places at the DEL AMO mall. Then I masturbated in a corner and then proceeded to cry:

Sears was sucky. The computer mouse didn't even work so I had to strangle the damn thing to get my application in.

JC Penny. the weirdest old black lady was applying in front of me. She didn't know a THING about computers! she didn't know how to scroll down or click a mouse correctly.

Joann's was okay. I had to wait awhile though.

The Lady at SEE'S CANDIES was a bitch and didn't let me apply.

PACIFIC COAST was cool. I really want to work there. doubt it.. OH! and I saw the comic 300 there. It turns out that the comic is WAY more homoerotic than a expected. Tisk Tisk Mr. Miller! Tisk Tisk. there where penises flying everywhere in that thing.

BURLINGTON COAT FACTORY... I DO NOT WANT TO WORK THERE. i don't even know why I applied.

AAH'S didn't let me apply because i had to have at least 6 months of cashier or customer service to apply.

AMC THEATERS decided to be annoying and made me go home and apply online.

so, There I was. In a mall. Sick of anything application. And I realized that I didn't have a ride home. "FUUUUUCK!" I quietly yelled to myself. I was stranded. I never thought someone could be stranded in the middle of civilization with a cell phone and a dollar bill, but I was. And I keep saying that I will but there is no chance in hell of me getting in a bus. Common, who am I kidding? I would lose myself and THEN I'd REALLY be LOST. So, I called Mimi. I asked her if she wanted to keep me company until 5 or 6 or something. hey, being stranded with a friend is better than yourself right? Her mom wasn't feeling well, so they provided a boat to get off the island instead. "AHHH HOOME!!!"

Anyways, Besides that whole deal:

I've been feeling really depressed about certain things. I feel like the entire world is leaving me behind. All of the Idy peps are going miles ahead of me (I can't even do a drawing without the guilt of not doing schoolwork). I all of my friends that are out of high school forgot about me and are living lives that are moving faster than mine. All of my friends in Torrance are doing something and have moved on. And here I am, I've been re-winded back to a place I don't even want to be in. and next year I'm going to be a senior at Idy and I don't have enough training and my grades SUCK. I WONT BE ABLE TO GET INTO ANYTHING!!!! And what will my life be? Dreams that will never be fulfilled. that's what it's going to be. And I'm pissed off at my dad for suggesting that I just be my GED and drop high school and go into college. WHO WHOULD ACCEPT ME? Why does this happen to me?

Is it because I don't deserve anything? Have I gone through all of this shit so I could just go through another pile of shit? Is it because subconsciously I want to be better than everyone else? Or am I just being a low self-esteem retard? fuck, I don't know anymore.

UUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I'm going to masturbate until all the pain goes away like a gay wannabe emo kid:

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 21:30:15 GMT

sooo... I went to a gay dance club yesterday...

Sooo, Quoi and Jared DIDN'T COME!!!

That is sooo typical of them! They get everyine excited by saying that they want to do something and at the last minute they always pull the "we're tired and we want alone time" shit. UGH! well, I went to Tiger Heat and it was soooo fun! (except we waited in life until 12:45-ish) oh, and Kenny came. I really want to be more frienly with him but he seems to ingore me every time I make an attempt to be nice.

That's Lauren and I waiting in line to get in. I was alittle afraid some securety bouncer was going to ask if we where 18 or not. but they didn't.

I was so fustrated I had like 8 cigarettes or something.

THAT'S MY HOME GIRL!!!! OMG, she is hilarious and she came from Torrance too! we where like family.

A flashback to lauren's house when we where getting ready!

Guess what's in there.... guess... it shure ain't water... that's for sure...

ME!

SOOOO... WE got INSIDE!!!:

AND GUESS WHO I SAW?!?!?!?!?!?!

STAAAAANNNN!!!!

So, That's it...

I told them about mercedes and they really wanted her to come... but she cant i guess... bleh.

god, I hope no teachers see this @ Idy...

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 17:25:27 GMT

I Killed my father.

Just for the record, It was a dream that I MUST share with the world (fucking bloggers)

My dad handed me poison darts, and asked me to kill him. He wouldn't tell me why, and I just agreed to do it. It turned into a game between us. I kept on shooting and missing, and I really wanted to get a hit. Finally, I lied and told him that I would wait until the nest morning. When his back was turned, I got him on the back of his head. That is when I realized what I had done. I killed him. I started to cry and cry yelling: "I KILLED YOU! I KILLED YOU! I KILLED MY OWN FATHER!" he hushed me and went to a cupboard filled with movies and changed the subject by talking about the movies I could have. Then, he went to bed. I followed him and I vividly remember the dart still in him and seeing the blood mingle with the poison that was mostly gone in the clear tube. he laid down (the dart was gone) and was about to go to sleep. I asked: "what should I do!? Should I call 911 in the morning?!?!" he responded by telling me what to do, but I couldn't understand him, he was speaking incoherently. But I didn't care. "I killed you!", "I save your life."

aaaand I woke up.

intense huh?

I'm SOOO BORED

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 02:49:37 GMT

Where will you be in ten years?

	WHERE: Doing your dream job WHY: Skipped so much school

Where will you be in 10 years? at QuizGalaxy.com

B- 'Beautiful' - Belle and Sabastian
O- 'Oh me, Oh my' - Imogen Heap
T- 'Tidal Wave' - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
T- 'Technologic' - Daft Punk
L- 'Ladyflash' - The GO! Team
E- 'Evil' - Interpol
O- 'Our Time' - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
F- 'Fancy Claps' - Wolf Parade
I- 'Idioteque' - Radiohead
A- 'At Last' - Edna James
N- 'New Slang' - The Shins

1)Are your parents married or divorced?: separated. almost divorced

2) Vegetarian?: aren't all gays vegi-heads?

3) Going to Heaven?: fuck, limbos nice.

4) Come close to dying?: I think I almost slipped off a mountain... oh wait, that's just Idy.

5) What jewelry do you wear 24/7?: my anklet, a good luck necklace, a jade necklace, a good luck bead bracelet, a 'cure systic fiberosis' bracelet, a 'peace' bracelet, and some healing white bracelet.

6) Are you eating?: nope. not for awile

7) Do you eat the stems of broccoli?: yes.

8) Makeup?: if i feel like it

9) Were you usually the dumper or the dumpee in your past relationships? never had one.

10) Would you ever have plastic surgery?: nope

11) What do you wear to bed?: least: naked most: t-shirt, pj bottoms normally: t-shirt, boxer briefs.

12) Have you ever done anything illegal?: yea.

13) Can you roll your tongue?: yes

14) Pluck your eyebrows?: yup

15) What kind of watch(es) do you wear? i don't

16) Abortion? just have the baby, if you dont want it, then put it up for adoption.

17) Hair color? black.

18) Future child's name?: Naomi

19) Do you snore?: i used to.

20) If you could go anywhere in the world on a vacation, where would you go?: India

21) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?: yes. a Spider, and a pig.

22) If you won the lottery, what would you do first? save it for school.

23) Gold or silver?: gold

24) Hamburger or hot dog?: vegi patty

25) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life what would it be?: a hamburger. you could separate the stuff to make new foods.

26) Beach, city, or country?: city.

27) Who was the last person you touched?: my dad.

28) Where do you like to eat?: home is the best resturant.

30) Have you loved somebody so much it makes you cry?: yes.

31) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?: been there done that

32) Ever been involved with the police?: never!

33) Believe in Santa?: a little

34) Do you talk in your sleep? sure do.

35) Beach or pool?: pool

36) Can you cross your eyes?: yes

37) What's your favorite song at the moment?: 'Beautiful' - Belle and Sabastian

38) Window seat or aisle?: Window, wall makes a good head rest.

39) Ever met any famous bands/singers?: no.

40) Do you feel that you've ever had a truly successful relationship?: nope.

41) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?: who cuts spaghetti?

42) Rickie Lake or Oprah Winfrey?: Oprah, hands down.

43) Would you ever admit to having done plastic surgery of any kind if confronted?: why not?

44) How long does your shower last? 10-20 min.

45) Do you drive a stick?: i wish i could drive at all!

46) Cake or ice cream?: ice cream

47) Like to have fun?: always.

48) What time do you get up?: usually 9

49) Have you ever given money to a bum?: yes

50) When was your first real crush? highschool

51) Where do you wish you were?: at a high-scale party in newyork.

52) Have you ever broken someone's heart?: i havent had a heart to break

53) Ever been given a ring?: yes... a friendship ring.

54) What are you looking forward to?: adult life.

55) Last gift you received? cigarettes

56) Last sport you played?: hackiesack

57) Things you spend a lot of money on?: art supp.

58) Where do you live?: Torrance/ Idyllwild.

59) High school you attend(ed)?: iaa + Torrance High

60) Last wedding attended?: a really fancy one from a distant relative.

61) Favorite fast food restaurant? in in out

62) Where do you work?: nowhere

63) Can you cook?: hell yes.

64) Most hated food? none.

65) Can you sing?: I think...

66) Last concert attended?: IAA.

67) What are you doing now?: being bored.

68) Favorite drink?: tea

69) Current crush?: n/a

Where will you be stabbed?

BY WHO?
Harry Potter

WHY?
You fingered them in court

Where will you be stabbed? at QuizGalaxy.com

Nnnot so good.

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 10:20:16 GMT

hello, all. and by all I mean the two/three people that actually take the time to read this shit. Well, This week has been an interesting one.

so,last weekend I was up at Idyllwild. I was very very happy to see everyone (except for those who kept on nagging about my semi-expulsion). Really, I did less than I hoped. Half of the first day I was with my beloved Mercedes and Quoi. We made some costumes and managed to get caught in the sculpture studio. tisk tisk... I really wanted to have canvases but I guess Rob doesn't want to have students with missing limbs.. woosie... Anyways, afterward I went to see the FABOULOUS piece that Stefany choreographed and quoi costumed.

That's the holy grail of the dining hall. apparently, it is THE social place to be. luckily I go there often to eat. yessssssss!

now, back on track. after that, I found John and Scotty! I was happy to see them (and their cigarettes). I felt touched. they where LOOKING for me so that they could go "take a walk" with me. awwww. I love them so.

Scotty (back) and John (front coughing or something)

so, we went to have a couple of fags (hehe... he). Then, the rest of the day was bonding time with ol' Johnny boy. yup. that was my first day.

The second day was basically ditching people (sorry) and hanging around. yeah... OH! another sweet thing that happened to me was that PJ and Zac waited with me (when I was about to leave). awwwww. yeah. fuck.

so, the week went on and I am further in the processes of getting the Jamba Juice job. Now that I understand more about the job, I don't want it. That fucking manager goes on so many power trips! UGH! my interview went well and I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT! I really don't want him to hire me.... OH GOD pleeeeeaaaase don't let me have that fucking ridiculous job!!!

anyway, tonight was nooooo fun. right when I should be going to bed, I started bawling! I just realized that my real family is at Idyllwild and that I have no real home. It was soo bad that I had to go out and have a couple of cigarettes just to calm me down. fuck, if I get the Jamba job I hope they dont drug test me soon. I would be SOOOOOO FUCKED.

but that was not the only thing that bothered me, it was this man: Henrik.

The Henrik I once knew and loved has died. I dont like this new Henrik. or have I just not seen all of the things about him? In reality, he is everything I am not. He is what I wish I was. He is what I would never want to be. Never, ever, do I want to be as good as he is. We have had our difficulties and sadly they have scarred me so that I cannot even talk to him like a regular person. He told me once that he could only open up to his family and girlfriend and that I should not 'depend' on him to be an emotional support.well, he was family to me. but now that is in the past.

It's funny how at the beginning of the year, I was soo attached to that man that I said that I wouldn't know what to do if he left. funny how I want him to leave now. I want him to go away and be happy or whatever. I'm only going to see him maybe 4 times at most and probably never again in my life. which is sad because really, I dont want that. I want something else. not Henrik, but something. I really dont know what it is but it's been fueling these emotions. I wish he would be fucking happy. fuck him for being so stressed out.

well, that's been my life so far.

Artist's Block.

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 06:37:04 GMT

If you having the 'AB' (like me) here's some advice:

Photoshop is good for boredom.

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 10:12:42 GMT

I took Mercedes' pictures and made them photoshoppie...

fuck.

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 03:57:52 GMT

I hate this.

All I spout out is shitty...

I don't think I have done anything that is good.

colleges will hate me. I will be a wannabe artist.

I'm so UN-unique. nothing stands out with my work...

and that's because it sucks.

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 21:20:46 GMT

Mercedes,
My e-mail address is: bottleofian@hotmail.com

OH MY GOD!! PORTFOLIO DAY!!

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 18:52:16 GMT

I really need everyone's opinion on these...

portfolio day is this saturday and I'm dying.

this is good

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 06:06:46 GMT

Books I am reading

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 05:44:29 GMT

These are the books that I am currently reading. They are good.

- 'The Communist Manifesto' -Karl Markx and Friedrich Engels

- 'Islam: A Short History' -Karen Armstrong

- 'The Best American Series 2006: The Best American Nonrequired Reading' - Edited by Dave Eggers.

- 'Good Woman: Poems and a Memoir 1965-1980' -Lucille Clifton

- 'Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament' -Dr.Kay Redfield Jamison

- 'Dante The Divine Comedy 1:Inferno' -translated by John D. Sinclair

Books I want to read:

- 'The Dead Fathers Club' -Matt Haig

- 'The Scorpion's Sweet Venom' -Bruna Surfistinha

YAY! Literacy is FUN!

I'm feeling

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 09:22:24 GMT

I feel like posting something.

Sometimes I sneak out of my house in the middle of the night. I know, I know, big deal, right? well, in Torrance it is sort of a big deal when a kid my age goes out for a walk at midnight. I could get arrested or attacked, but I don't care.

The wooden boards squeak when I step on them, but I know my dad is sound asleep.
I turn on the lights just for a second, so that I can memorize where everything is. I turn the lights off and walk on a path I set out for myself. I turn the knob to the backyard quietly and slip out. I go out the back door because the front door cannot be opened without making a loud noise. I go over to the gate, gently lift it up and move it over so that I may silently make my escape.

The streets are silent. I walk quickly so that my dogs wont find that there is a person outside and start barking. I get past the huge bushes that guard my house and I m free.

I think of every sad song that I know. My goal was: I'm going to sit down somewhere and cry. just cry. nothing too loud. just some tears and maybe a murmur or two. Finally, I find a song that is appropriate to listen to in my head. "The maestro learns the music, musicians learn to dance. Therell be no more trumpets, and therell be no more flutes, no more clapping hands. There is no more winter, there is no more spring, cuz, there are no more dinner bells, left for you to ring."

I'm at the end of the block. I decide to sit down beside the mail box and watch the schools of machinery swim by. I look at the looming figure of a bush in front of me. It's so big, so frightening, so beautiful, so much more than I am. Here I am, on some subconscious level thinking of the chances of getting stabbed by a homeless man, and there is the bush. Just me and the bush... and the palm tree... and the wheels that are passing... I pretended I was homeless. I wanted to feel the feeling of having no where to go. It was scary, but I kinda liked the feeling. It gave me permission to be a wreck. To go up to a house and beg people for shelter. I really wanted to cry. but I could not.

I sat there. I sang some blues. real blues. The kind where everything is completely improvised. I sang about my life. How I feel. And I got up and started to walk back.

The cigarette smoke wafts in the air. The moon looks like a pale watermelon. I hate watermelon.

Down into the secret lives of gravel,
I feel the leaf of all that there was.
Back over in the empty cell, I can
hear the loud scrapping of metal braces against
the jasmine.
urine jasmine, I remember they call it.

-Ian

UGH.

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 07:43:49 GMT

I don't think David Reid-Marr likes me. I've been sending him e-mails and he just answers with a 'We miss you too!'... even though I asked for all of these things for him to do. And even if I was loading too many things on him he should at least respond to the questions I ask him. The one time he answered me, he told me to ask Rob. and Rob NEVER responds to his e-mails... EVER!! I think I might have to call Rob by phone...

Arts Classes Next Year That I Really Want to Take:

- Adv. Drawing
- Adv. Sculpture
- Photo 2
- New Genre
- Portfolio

classes I don't want to take but might have to...

- Art History
- Computer Graphics

UGH! I really just want to forcibly sit Rob and David down and make them explain things!

yay, more of my arts.

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 19:37:05 GMT

I'm bored...

TEST TEST TEST...

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 18:34:01 GMT

Create your own Friend Test here

I'm a copy-cat

Another painting.

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 19:13:54 GMT

This is another painting that I going to do... FOR MY MOTHER..

I'm not doing it for a gallery or something. But I am getting paid so it is a commission.

My mom says she likes it more than the first one... what do you think of it?

This thing....

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 18:37:53 GMT

I got commissioned... hey, it's money, right?... right..

A painting just like this (made by me) is going to be in a loft somewhere in downtown... But if it turns out well, I think I'll keep it for a little for portfolio...

Hilly-billy blues

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 10:55:04 GMT

Birds, birds, fluttering tails of wind wheels
those kids spin around. Are they entertained by
this or that?

I'm really tired of all of these people! Why wont they leave me be? I'm not here for them. I live for human purpose. Purpose? hah, another human invention. a series of sounds that go through your head. and your head recognises this, and then, you draw up all of your memories of what you perceive as 'purpose' and nod your head in agreement.

plastic plateaus pushed into
the unknown under the known.
over on the horizon, there are words of wisdom,
words people abide to,
It knows all and says:
'Hello.'

Dwell, dwell, dwell. if i dwell-ed on things, I would be dead. not the 'Ian is going to commit suicide, let send him home again'. It's the 'oh, oh my god, Ian is dead'. that would be funny wouldn't it? me lying there. like some dark comedy. people will be so confused whether or not it is appropriate to laugh, so they do. But cautiously they laugh, for irony is a sly thing, and the throats of ducklings that hang from high wont ever see the bottom if they are too confident.

hmmmm... I wonder what Mimi is doing right now? probably sleeping, but I don't know. I wonder is she is still angry, if she moved schools, if she has a whole new set of friends. Funny how that works. WHOOSH! everything.

Is it wrong to want someone to feel the way I feel? Is it greedy? I want someone else to feel this psychosis crawl, crawl, crawl beneath them. I want them to hear voices at night and feel like your falling to the ground even though you are stationary. I want someone to feel as passionate as I feel, and how lows really are. I want to inflict this 'Manic Depressive Psychosis' on someone innocent. Is it immoral? is it unjust?

I don't know what I'm going to do for 6 months in this desert called Torrance.
I'll make stuff.
And return to my land.
A happier place.

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 00:25:19 GMT

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 21:53:30 GMT

So, for those of you that want to know what I'm doing (mercedes, if people in Idy want to know tell them to read this journal every once in awile), there it is:

So, Here I am. I'm being home-schooled with really hard internet courses. IT'S SOO IMPOSSIBLE!!! each lesson has about 5 essays to do!!! and each lesson has like, 15 vocab words to do! (well, that's for english). History, it's okay, besides the fact that they tell you one thing and say another about the same thing later. but I'm getting Bs on the tests and I'll take that. I haven't even tried to start any of my other courses, that would be hellish.

My dad wants to sue the school after I finish the courses. He says that when I finish my courses early, He's going to try to get me back in, but only do arts classes. And if they don't he is going to threaten to sue them.

To Do List until next year (for now):

-finish home-schooling
-learn to drive (I'm getting a Mercedes car! :) )
-do arts classes
-go to 'Tiger Heat'
-Korea for cousin's wedding?
-See Mercedes
-more arts classes
-get a part-time job?
-read a crap-load
-get off of that manic-depressive meds
-get that cocaine patch the doc promised me

...

yeah.

I really think I'm addicted to cigarettes. Well, not really. I'm not super craving or anything, it's just that whenever I get a hold of them, it's the BEST THING IN THE WORLD. if i'm pissed, sad , or just in a crappy mood, they always make me feel better. mmmmmm....

bye.

I finally got the hand of photoshop.

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 21:38:07 GMT

this is to make you feel better mercedes...